«The most important thing in our work is trust»
It is very difficult for people to accept what has happened. It's much easier to forbid yourself to think about it, says Victoria Amelichkina, a psychologist at the Caritas-Spes Family Support Center in Zhytomyr.
At the Caritas-Spes Family Support Center in Zhytomyr, Victoria Amelichkina works with people who need psychological support. She is approached by those who find themselves in difficult life circumstances, who are experiencing loss; families of fallen soldiers, relatives of missing persons, internally displaced persons. Anyone who needs psychological support can apply to the Center.
“We receive the most requests and inquiries in situations where people are experiencing loss,” says the psychologist. ”People are also concerned about internal conflicts in the family, personal contradictions, increased aggressiveness, and anxiety. War affects people's emotions, thoughts, and behavior in a negative way.”
According to Ms. Viktoriia, the method of work of a psychologist depends on the situation. In her practice, she uses art therapy, metaphorical and associative images, and refers to sand therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy.
“When we analyze the situation, a person understands the reason for their emotions, and then we figure out together how to move on. This process is long and not easy.
What is the most difficult part of my job? Probably stabilizing my own state after everything I heard during the session. Especially when it comes to bereavement and missing soldiers. When there are several such situations in a day, the ability to recover on my own is a real challenge for me.”
Each case study is impressive in its own way, says my interlocutor. But in her opinion, the most difficult situateions were when mothers lose their only children. Especially single mothers, who are left alone with overwhelming grief. “I have been working with these mothers for years. Such people need lifelong support. Sessions with a psychologist help them to stabilize, to find understanding and acceptance of themselves, to realize and accept the loss. Although in reality it is very difficult to accept what has happened. It is much easier to forbid yourself to think about it,” explains Victoria Amelichkina.
On the day i talk to her, Victoria is preparing for an art therapy session with the wives and mothers of Ukrainian defenders who have fallen in the war. “The role of such sessions is really very important,” she says. ”First of all, these people come to such sessions for communication and support. Each of them feels lonely, and here, at the sessions, they see a mother who has lost her son, a wife who is also experiencing the pain of loss. And she feels that she is not alone.
What moves me the most and gives me strength? The dynamics. When a person comes for the first time, he or she is closed and afraid. They feel like a little hedgehog, afraid to look at what is happening around them. But even after the first session, they leave with a smile. It is especially valuable for me when a person says: “Today I smiled for the first time in several years, for the first time I felt that I could relax and be myself. Because, as a rule, people around her do not understand her condition, they say template phrases like “everything will be fine”, “hold on”, “God is with you”. But this does not help. On the contrary, it often only makes them angry. No one says these phrases here. Because everyone understands the meaning of these words. What does 'everything will be fine' mean for a mother who has lost her only son?”
“What phrases do you advise in such situations?” I ask, ”Because, to tell the truth, I feel that a big problem for society is to establish a dialog with those who have experienced a great loss. A person wants to do something good, to support them, but usually does not know how to do it properly...”
“The best thing to do is to ask: “How can I help you?”, ”What can I do for you now?” You'll never know without asking,” the psychologist explains. ”Just say it: “Maybe you need my help now?” or ”You can call me anytime you feel the need for my support.” Maybe the person just wants to be hugged...
There are situations when, for example, a mother remembers her son - what he was like, what he loved. These are such precious moments of memory for her. And she wants to talk about it. Listen to her. Just be there for her. The most important thing is to be sincere, to be yourself, not to pretend something that is not there.”
Do Ukrainian soldiers seek psychological support? Yes, and the most difficult thing in working with them, says Ms. Viktoriia, is trust: “The military are people who do not trust civilians. They say that you, a girl, can understand my condition if you have never been where I was. And he is right. A person who understands what he or she is talking about can help a soldier (as well as a person who is experiencing a loss). I can teach methods that will help stabilize the state, disconnect, and ground. But only someone who has experienced something similar can truly understand such a person. There are military men who open up at sessions and are not afraid to talk about their anxieties and doubts. They usually say: “I know you haven't been there, but I believe you will help me.
Finally, I ask Ms. Viktoriia how the war, in her opinion, has affected the lives of families. “Very much, unfortunately,” she replies, ”The war has primarily divided Ukrainians into civilian families and families with a soldier. And there is a big difference in their perception of the current situation. Civilian families seem to live the life they had before. The lives of military families, the lives of families where someone has died, will never be the same again. Yes, civilian families feel tense and anxious. Because of air raids, for example. Or, for example, a woman says: “I'm afraid that my husband will be taken to war, I'm not ready for this, I'm worried about him and I'm worried about myself - how will I be alone and will I be able to manage my life?” This increases aggressiveness and anxiety. And it becomes one of the causes of conflicts in the family, when a person cannot find a common language with himself, with his child. This is also the reason for frequent visits to a psychologist.”
The need for such centers as the Family Support Center in Zhytomyr is very high, Ms. Viktoriia is convinced. And, unfortunately, this need will only grow over time. “Most families today are in the so-called “frozen state”, they are waiting for their loved one to return. They say: I don't believe he or she is gone, I think it's a mistake, I believe everything will be the same as before...
But over time, the realization comes that things will not be the same as before... And when people realize this, they will start seeking psychological help. And we have to be ready for that.”
The Zhytomyr Family Support Center was opened and operates with the support of the Polish Aid program of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Poland. It is one of four centers launched under the project “Improving the quality and access to psychological assistance for children and their families in Kharkiv, Odesa, Zhytomyr and Vinnytsia Family Support Centers in Ukraine”, which Caritas-Spes Ukraine implements in cooperation with Caritas Poland.
The publication is the author's personal opinion and cannot be interpreted as the official position of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Poland.
