“Every time evening comes, I look at the sky and know that my husband is with me...”
War means pain and daily heavy losses. Those who lose their loved ones at the front go through an unbearable ordeal: to accept the cruel news, to realize the inexorable reality, to learn to live on - with memories, uncertainty and new cautious hopes...
We met Anastasia at the Zhytomyr Family Support Center of Caritas-Spes Ukraine. The woman attends art therapy classes conducted by Victoria Amelichkina, a psychologist at the Center. Such classes are designed to support and help those who are experiencing loss. Art, creativity is one of the tools that psychologists use in such cases. On the day we visited the Center, the participants were painting flowers...
"When I started going to art therapy classes, I chose only dark colors. And today I caught myself thinking that I am gradually turning to light colors, mixing brighter shades. When you draw your emotions and thoughts on paper, it becomes a little easier psychologically. I am very grateful for this support. Without the help of a psychologist, it would have been difficult to pull myself together," says Anastasia, wife of a fallen Ukrainian soldier.
She is a mother of two children. Her daughter is 7 years old, her son is seven years older. "My husband and I dreamed that we would have a boy first and then a girl. And do you know what's interesting? Everything we planned in our life with him has come true. And dreams... Our dreams remain. And now I am trying to realize them with our children."
We are talking during a break in an art therapy session. Anastasiia tells us about her husband Mykhailo - what he was like, recalls their acquaintance, touching stories from their lives, shares her thoughts about the future...
- I am very grateful to Misha. I had 14 happy years with him. We lived with him heart to heart. But the war... And everything that happened to us. You wouldn't wish that on anyone. It is very scary. Especially when you receive terrible news. When the military came to our house and told us that Misha was gone... I didn't believe it until the last moment.
Polina, our daughter, was born on Misha's birthday. And it so happened that when Polina turned 5, in the morning of that day I congratulated my daughter, and at half past three I went to the morgue to identify my husband. Misha would have been 36 years old. But, unfortunately, he is now forever 35...
I never thought that life would combine joy and grief in such a way. All in one day.
...It's interesting that fate brought Misha and me together four times. But we did not understand the signals of fate. And on the fifth time, we were sitting next to each other, just like we are now, and talking. Since then, we have not parted. The first time, I was going to Zhytomyr to study and he helped me carry my bag. And then, one night after work, I was walking with my girlfriends, and he and his friends were walking towards me. We talked together and went our separate ways. And one day, there was a guy in an underpass (the only one in the whole city). He had an injury (he worked at a granite factory, injured his leg and walked with a cane). And I paid attention to him. I liked him. Then we got to know each other better and never parted. At first it was friendship, sympathy, and then a feeling was born - a beautiful, bright love.
What did I like most about my husband? Misha was a straightforward person. He was a man of few words, a man of action. He was honest, had no falsehoods. And he was very tender. He was a romantic. He loved to cook romantic dinners for two. When I did something around the house, he never stayed away. We always did everything together. Even if I did the laundry by hand, he helped me rinse it. We were truly a married couple - hand in hand, always together.
Unfortunately, we didn't have much time together. But I am grateful to fate that I met such a person, that we have children, that we are procreating. I appreciate it very much.
We planned to meet old age together. We thought about what it would be like when our son Ivan came and said: “Mom, Dad, I'm in love...” Unfortunately, I will now experience these moments alone.
The last time we talked to Misha was the day he died. We talked on the phone. Misha was an ATO soldier, he served before the start of the full-scale war. So I saw him for the last time on October 26, 2021, at half past 6 in the morning.
...On August 16, 2022, we talked on the phone at lunchtime. And in the evening, from half past eleven... to half past twelve... when Misha died, I felt it very strongly. I felt as if my soul was being taken out of me. I can't put it into words. When we talked to him, I always said: just be careful. He always said briefly: I will not be in touch then and there. And I realized that he was on a mission. I knew that he was protecting us, doing everything to make us sleep peacefully. And when we talked the last time, I didn't feel anxious. We talked about ordinary things. We also talked about children. About what was important to do.
And then I called him, and the calls went through, but Misha didn't answer anymore. I started to worry because he always got in touch. But I didn't think of anything bad at all... Misha died near Sloviansk, in the village of Ivanivka. He was a commander, a senior sergeant. He knew how to feel the situation. He told his comrades that he would go on a mission himself, and left them in place. Later they told me that there was an artillery attack, and when his comrades arrived at the position, they thought there were only wounded. Only Misha was killed. It was a direct hit... I thank God only that my husband did not suffer. Everything happened instantly. And that we were able to say goodbye to him, to send him on his last journey...
...Today I picked Polina up from school, and before coming here to the Family Support Center, we stopped by a coffee shop. We sat down by the window. I turn my head and see the table where Misha and I sat the first night we met. And this is exactly 2.5 years since Misha died. I felt a certain symbolism in this. I looked at it and remembered our meeting. And these emotions that often overwhelm me... I loved my husband very much, he is forever in my heart... Sadness - yes, I have it. But at the same time, there are bright moments. This place in the coffee shop is ours... People just pass by it, but it is so important to me. There is something to tell our children about. Because yes, children grow up and ask: how did you meet your dad? My son Ivan is 12 years old and he already asks about our first date. The boy is growing up, he is interested in everything: “How did your dad ask you out, where did he take you, what did you talk about?” Of course, I would like Misha to tell Ivan about everything himself. But I'm telling him now...
What problems are you most concerned about today? I am a military wife, so I am hardened. Physically, I can cope with it because I'm used to it... Yes, at first, when my husband went to war, it was very difficult physically. Polina was still a year old. But then you get used to everything. But the hardest part is the moral one... I used to know that even if Misha was there, I would call him and ask for advice. We solved all the issues together. At a distance, but together. When Misha passed away, I had a very hard time mentally. You can't pull yourself together, there are children... and everything came at once. This is the hardest thing. Now I solve all the issues myself. I know I can be wrong. My son is growing up, he needs his dad. And I realize that I cannot replace my father, no matter how much I want to.
What gives me strength? Hope and faith in the future. The belief that the war will end and that our soldiers, our men did not die on the battlefield in vain. When peace comes... Then there will be relief for sure. That my husband - and not only him (my brother also died during the ATO, in 2015) - that their deaths were not in vain. Because, God forbid, I can't stand it. So many lives have been sacrificed for our freedom. And there is a lot of pain around.
I dream of a time when there will be real peace and I can finally turn off the “alarm” app on my phone. My children and I recently went abroad, and they asked me, "Mom, can we just walk around in the evening and not hear the siren? Can we sit in McDonald's and not run for cover?
What keeps me alive is the hope that the children will be okay. I have to get them back on their feet. In memory of Misha.
Communication is very important to us, the relatives of fallen soldiers. It is important that we are heard... and understood.
War is very scary. My grandmother used to say: we will survive everything, the main thing is that there is no war. I used to think: what is she talking about? Did I think then that I would tell my children and, God willing, my grandchildren: we will survive everything, the main thing is that there is no war...
Over time, you get used to new realities. You have to go on living. But every time evening comes, I look at the sky and think about my husband. And I know, I feel that he is with me...
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The Zhytomyr Family Support Center operates within the framework of the Polish Aid program of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Poland. Caritas-Spes Ukraine has been implementing the project “Improving the quality of and access to psychological assistance for children and their families in Kharkiv, Odesa, Zhytomyr and Vinnytsia Family Support Centers in Ukraine” in cooperation with Caritas Poland since July 2024. At the Center, you can get support from a professional psychologist, a case manager's consultation, speech therapy, English classes, and various thematic workshops for children and adults.
The publication is the author's personal opinion and cannot be interpreted as the official position of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Republic of Poland.
Photo: Caritas-Spes and from the personal archive of Anastasia.
